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Ryan and Joanna came to my office feeling really hurt and discouraged.  Finding out about Ryan’s pornography addiction left her cycling through many emotions.  The betrayal was almost too much for her to handle.  While she cycled through many emotions, she mainly felt angry and alone.

Knowing how deeply he hurt his wife, Ryan was committed to doing whatever it took to help Joanna heal and to restore their marriage.  However, it seemed like whatever he did only made things worse.  He was committed to his recovery program, which Joanna appreciated; however, the flowers and love notes meant nothing to her.  His failed efforts at healing and reconciliation only made them both feel worse.

What Joanna really needed was for Ryan to truly understand her pain.  There is a saying in recovery that “it’s the addict who carries the shame, but it’s the partner that carries the pain.”  To truly understand Joanna’s pain, Ryan would have to practice empathy.  To empathize means to truly understand how someone feels; to put yourself in their shoes.

To help Ryan learn how to empathize, their marriage therapist guided them through empathy exercises.  In these exercises, Ryan and Joanna would face each other and Joanna would express how she felt.  Ryan would then reflect what Joanna said focusing on the content and emotions she felt.  Joanna would then verify if Ryan was correct in his observations and make corrections where needed.  When they finally got to the place where Joanna knew that Ryan truly understood what she said and felt, there was a sign of relief in her expression and a bit of excitement in her voice.  Finally, Ryan knew exactly how she felt.  This created a connection between them that they had not felt in a long time.

While this was just the start of their healing, Ryan and Joanna had new hope that they could heal their marriage.  It would take many more marital counseling sessions and practicing empathy to fully heal their marriage.

Carol Juergensen Sheets is an expert in helping couples heal from betrayal trauma.  In her book, Help. Her. Heal. (2019), she presents a three-part process for healing using empathy.  She calls it “AVR,” which stands for Acknowledge, Validate, and Reassure.

1. Acknowledge the pain that was caused by the pornography use and sexual infidelity. Here there can be no soft peddling.  The husband must fully acknowledge the pain and take full responsibility for it.
2. Validate her feelings. The husband must fully understand and validate his wife’s feelings that are the result of his actions.
3. Reassure her that he understands her pain and that he is doing everything possible to ensure that he never hurts her again.

Empathy builds connections between people.  When two people fully understand each other it creates a path toward intimacy, forgiveness, trust and healing.  Without it, I believe there can be no true healing.

As Ryan and Joanna continued to practice empathy, they developed a greater understanding of each other.  Ryan truly understood the pain he caused.  This gave him the drive to succeed in his recovery so he would never hurt Joanna again.  Joanna came to understand addiction as a disease and that Ryan never wanted to hurt her.  This helped her to forgive him and learn to trust again.

As time went on and Ryan was fully able to empathize, Joanna was able to forgive him and trust Ryan again.  This took several months and they are still in the healing process.  However, their love for each other has grown and they are fully confident that one day their marriage would will be fully healed.

If you are struggling to heal your marriage due to betrayal trauma, I urge you to work with your therapist on empathy.  It just might save your marriage!

Shame is the knowledge that you’ve done something wrong and because of it you are a bad person.  This is not good.  We’ve all had experiences of shame.  Just think of a time when you did something humiliating.  You just want to crawl under a rock whenever you think of it.  For many people pornography use is a shameful thing.  This is especially true for women.  Much of this is due to a double standard.  In our culture it is accepted that men view pornography.  It’s “a guy thing.” However, for women it’s a different story.  Women are supposed to be “pure.”  Thus, if it were discovered that a woman struggled with pornography or sex addiction, society would label her as a slut or a whore.  She would face judgment and condemnation.  In addition, the shame that women who struggle with pornography or sex addiction face can also lead them to believe that God could never love them.  This is particularly painful.

Hope for Women

If you are a woman struggling with immense shame due to your addiction, I’m here to tell you that you are not a bad person.  You are not unlovable.  God still loves you.  Nothing you could ever do could take His love away from you.  God wants to hold you in his arms and comfort you.  You may not have had a loving protective father in your life.  God wants to be that father for you.  As you reach out for help, you will realize that there are many people who want to help you.  No one will condemn you, especially God.  Through your recovery, you will learn just how incredibly special and lovable you are.

Crystal’s Story

Crystal Renaud is a woman who did learn this.  Crystal was raised in a good Christian home.  Unfortunately, her mother struggled with depression and her father was busy with his career.  This left her very lonely.  She eased her loneliness with pornography.  This led to an eight-year struggle with pornography addiction.  She led a double life.  On the outside, Crystal presented the appearance of a faithful Christian woman.  On the inside, she felt like a terrible hypocrite.  If people found out about her “dirty little secret” what would they think of her?  Crystal’s pornography use went from magazines, to Internet porn, to chat rooms, to phone sex and finally to arranging to meet a man she contacted online.  Fortunately she couldn’t bring herself to go through with the rendezvous.   Then one day, God intervened.  A woman at a Christian concert opened up to Crystal and shared about her struggle with pornography.  This surprised Crystal.  She believed she was the only woman who ever struggled with pornography addiction.  Crystal also admitted her struggle and both women became accountability partners.  This was the beginning of Crystal’s recovery.  She came to realize God’s great love for her and the love of the people He placed in her life.  This allowed Crystal to let go of her shame (Renaud, 2011).

Like anyone in recovery, Crystal has had her struggles, yet she has persevered.  She now helps other women who struggle with pornography addiction find help.  You can learn more about Crystal and her story in her book Dirty Girls Come Clean.

Finding Help

The shame that addicted women feel often makes it more difficult for them to seek help.  However, I’m asking you to trust God with this.  There are many compassionate therapists and support groups that are ready to help. Taking that leap of faith to ask for help is the first step to recovery.  Healing and recovery are possible.  Don’t be discouraged.  Have hope!  I want to leave you with a very special story from the Gospel of John chapter 8:

Then the Scribes and the Pharisees brought a woman who had been caught in adultery and made her stand in the middle.  They said to him, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the very act of committing adultery.  Now in the Law, Moses commanded us to stone such a woman.  So what do you say?”  They said this to test him, so that they could have some charge to bring against him.  Jesus bent down and began to write on the ground with his finger.  But when they continued asking him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let the one among you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.”  Again he bent down and wrote on the ground.  And in response, they went away one by one, beginning with the elders.  So he was left alone with the woman before him.  Then Jesus straightened up and said to her, “Woman, where are they?  Has no one condemned you?”  She replied, “No on, sir.”  Then Jesus said, “Neither do I condemn you.  Go, from now on do not sin any more” (NABR, 1986).

In this scene, Jesus does not condemn the woman. He does acknowledge her sin and admonishes her to “sin no more.”   However, he also treats her with love and compassion. He wants you to know how much he loves you and wants to heal you.  You are a beloved daughter of God.  He will provide many wonderful people who are eager to help you.  Allow God to love you by seeking help today!

Bill and Kathy are in their mid-forties.  They have been married twenty years and have six children.   Bill is a military officer and Kathy is a stay-at-home mom.  Kathy sought marital counseling when she caught Bill viewing Internet pornography.  A scan of the history on his laptop computer, cell phone and tablet revealed that he had been viewing pornography every day for months.   After an individual counseling session with Bill, it was determined that he was addicted to pornography.  Kathy felt devastated.  For her, Bill’s use of pornography was as serious as an extramarital affair.  Trust and marital vows had been broken.  She cycled through many emotions: shock, numbness, anger, sadness, fear, etc.   Bill felt a deep shame and sadness.  He didn’t realize how deeply his pornography use would hurt Kathy.  He was also shocked when he realized he was addicted to pornography.  According to Bill, pornography was simply “adult entertainment.”  It was also encouraged among men in the military.  Both knew they needed help and were eager to work on recovering from the addiction and healing their marriage.

To begin the healing process, counseling is needed.  It’s important to find a therapist who is trained to work with couples that have been affected by sexual addiction, betrayal and trauma.   More importantly, the husband should be the one to locate such a therapist.  He needs to take the initiative to work on healing the marriage.  This speaks volumes to his wife about how sorry he is and that he is committed to fixing the damage that was caused by the pornography use.

Understanding Her Pain

After admitting there is a problem and seeking help, the first thing a man needs to do to heal his marriage is to truly understand how his pornography use has hurt his wife.   Early in the healing process I invite couples to a marital session.  In that session I ask the wife to describe how pornography use has affected her.  She needs a safe place to share how deeply she has been hurt.  This can be very painful for husbands to hear; however, they need to know how their selfish actions have hurt their wives.  They need to have healthy empathy for their wives.  I often witness men begin to cry in counseling sessions as they hear about the pain they’ve inflicted on their wives.  Their hearts are broken because they realize how deeply they have hurt the persons they vowed to love and honor all the days of their lives.  This deepens their commitment to working on healthy recovery and to healing their marriage.  The road to restoring the marriage may be long and hard, but knowing you understand her pain sets a firm foundation for effective healing.

The therapy session where Kathy shared how deeply she had been hurt was difficult for Bill.  For most of the session he sat silently.  He tried to hold back tears of sadness.  The guilt and the shame were almost unbearable.   Still, he knew he needed to hear this.  He needed to know the extent of the damage he had caused.  As difficult as this was for him, it helped Kathy to know that he finally understood how she felt.  She needed his empathy.  His heart broke for her and he was ready to offer a sincere apology and be committed to healing and recovery for himself, Kathy and their marriage.

Healthy Apologies

In addition to understanding a wife’s pain, she needs to know her husband is truly sorry for the harm he caused.  An apology needs to be heart felt and sincere.  Often men will offer apologies that are not sincere.  They might say “I’m sorry if you feel hurt by my pornography use” or “I’m sorry if pornography offends you.”  These apologies are weak and lack any acknowledgement of personal responsibility.  With a sincere apology, you take full responsibility for your actions and the pain you’ve caused and you express true remorse.  You acknowledge the results of your actions, such as:

• Marital betrayal and violated trust
• Wasted money on pornography
• Lose of valuable time with your wife and children
• Wife feeling lonely and rejected
• Infecting your wife with sexually transmitted diseases
• Being a hypocrite to others around you

Bill was heartbroken as he heard Kathy relate how his pornography use and addiction hurt her and their children.  He couldn’t believe how cruel and selfish he had been.  His apology sounded something like this:

“Kathy, I now realize how my use of pornography has deeply hurt you and I am so     sorry.  I know it was selfish of me.  I broke our marriage vows.  I know you must have felt lonely and rejected by me because of it.  I never meant to hurt you or the kids.  I know I have a lot of work to do to overcome my addiction and restore our marriage, but please know that I am committed to it.  I don’t ever want to hurt you or the kids ever again.  Please forgive me.”

While Kathy was still hurt and angry with Bill, she knew his apology was sincere.  This gave her hope that Bill could overcome his addiction and they could restore their marriage.  They left the counseling session with a renewed hope for their marriage.

Five Reasons Why Guys Love Porn

By Peter C. Kleponis, Ph.D., SATP, CSAT

Many people, especially women, wonder why men are so attracted to pornography.  They have difficulty understanding how certain photographs and videos can have such a hold on men’s attention.  While men’s attraction to pornography is due to a complex combination of biological, psychological and sociological processes, for laypeople they can be condensed into five reasons.

1. They enjoy the physical effects of pornography. Men are wired to be visually stimulated.  When they encounter an erotic image they automatically look!  This launches a series of chemical reactions in the brain and body that lead to great emotional and physical pleasure and excitement.  They also trigger sexual arousal, which leads to masturbation.  The resulting orgasm reinforces the whole process making him want to go back for more!

2. It’s a “guy thing.” For decades our society has told men that “real men view porn.”  We can see this in all the jokes about men and pornography seen in the media.  In many circles a young man will encounter teasing and ridicule if he admits he doesn’t use pornography.  If he has never seen it he is viewed by his peers as naive and unsophisticated – a wimp.  Because of this, men often feel pressured to view pornography and when they do they somehow believe they are “real men” and can measure up to their peers.   Unfortunately, this sense of manliness and maturity is an illusion.  It doesn’t make him a real man.  If anything, it makes him act more like an adolescent.

3. It’s a means for male bonding. Male bonding is crucial for healthy development.  Countless studies point to the importance of men and boys bonding with their fathers and male peers.  Healthy avenues for bonding include sports, camping, fishing, and travel.  However, in today’s pornified culture, men have used viewing pornography as a way of bonding.  Many young men will admit that their conversation around the cafeteria table often deteriorates into discussions about pornography.  In order to fit in and bond with one’s peers, a young man must view pornography and be able to discuss it.  While this does help them bond with one another, it is not a healthy bonding.   Instead of encouraging each other to be strong men of valor that respect women, they are encouraging each other to view women as little more than sex objects.

4. They believe they are learning how to be great lovers. It’s no secret that most men in America receive very poor sexual educations at home, at school, and at church.  Instead of learning about the true meaning of sex in regard to relationships, they are simply learning the mechanics of sex and how not to get a woman pregnant. Even that education is substandard.  Because young men naturally want to learn all they can about sex and relationships, and they are not getting adequate answers at home, school or church, they are naturally going to the Internet.  This invariably leads them into pornography.  Instead of learning about healthy sex and intimacy, they are learning how to use women sexually in ways that are most often degrading and physically dangerous. Yet because this is what they see on the Internet, they believe they are learning about healthy sexuality and what women want.

5. Love without responsibility. With pornography, men can enjoy the thrill of sex without the responsibility of a relationship.  There is no need to give of one’s self with pornography.  The women in porn are available all the time, they love sex and never say no, and any type of sex desired can be found on the Internet.  This leads men to believe that fantasy is better than real love.  The come to believe that sex should be exciting beyond compare and the ultimate goal is personal physical pleasure.  While this may initially seem like paradise, it ultimately leaves a man alone and unfulfilled.  That’s because without the loving relationship found in marriage, sex can never satisfy.  Thus men are constantly in a futile search for THE cybersex encounter that will satisfy.

As you can see, these five reasons keep men going back to pornography over and over again.  Unfortunately, they ultimately lead to great disappointment.  What men need to realize is that their ultimate desire is for real intimacy.  This can only come from a healthy relationship with a real woman.  One where there is mutual love and respect.  It requires a lot of giving and self-sacrifice for both parties; however, the result is a life filled with authentic love and joy.  That leads to true satisfaction and fulfillment!

Several months ago in a counseling session with a client, l’ll call Steve, I asked him how he was working with his accountability partner for recovery. He admitted they hadn’t talked in a few weeks.  When asked why, Steve stated that the phone calls had gotten very mundane.  He and his accountability were both getting tired of talking about Steve’s sobriety.  In the beginning they would talk several days a week.  Then it was one phone call each week and a series of texts.  Then it was just texts.  Then no communication.  The accountability relationship had all but fallen apart.

Steve knew he needed accountability in his life, but was not sure how to use it effectively.  He wanted a new accountability partner, but didn’t want that relationship to also fall apart.  My first piece of advice was to suggest he find an accountability partner who also struggled with pornography use.  Steve’s old accountability partner, while a good friend, did not struggle with pornography, so he really didn’t understand Steve’s struggle.  By working with another addicted person, they could be true accountability partners for each other.  If one person fell, the other would understand what happened and provide mercy and compassion for the other to get up and continue on the road to recovery.  Steve was able to find a suitable new accountability partner in his 12-step recovery group.

My next piece of advice was to not limit their check-in phone calls to issues of sobriety.  Anyone who has been in recovery will tell you that constantly talking about the struggles of sobriety can get boring very fast.  The good news is that accountability doesn’t have to focus on recovery.  There are many areas of life where we all can use some accountability – in our careers, marriages, family life, parenting, exercise, spending, saving, etc.  By seeking and offering accountability in many areas of life, check-in phone calls become more interesting.  In addition to aiding in sobriety, accountability partners can be there to help each other achieve both short-term and long-term goals.  This will aid in overall recovery.

In addition to remaining sober, Steve had many personal goals he wanted to achieve.  He wanted to spend more time with his wife and kids, he wanted to get to the gym more often to exercise, and he wanted to save up for a fun family vacation.  His accountability partner was able to help Steve with this by making sure he was taking the proper steps to meet these goals.  Steve was also able to help his accountability partner achieve his goals too.  In addition to achieving their goals, this made maintaining sobriety easier for both men.

So if you are looking for a new accountability partner, or want to breathe some new life into an existing accountability relationship, consider expanding your goals beyond sobriety.    You will achieve much more than sobriety.  It can make accountability for sobriety more effective and enjoyable!

For more information on accountability and sobriety, and to seek help for addiction, contact Dr. Kleponis through this website.

Because pornography use is so widely used and accepted today, many people may wonder if they are addicted to it. According to Dr. Mark Laaser (1992) pornography/sexual addiction is “any persistent and escalating unhealthy pattern of sexual behavior. It is compulsive in nature and used to avoid or change feelings despite destructive consequences to self and others.”

Diagnosing an addiction to pornography requires the assistance of a trained mental health professional. While there are many self-tests you can take regarding this issue, at most they can only help assess your risk of being addicted to pornography or cybersex. However, there are signs you can look for that may indicate a real addiction.

Since most pornography today is accessed online, Dr. Patrick Carnes, in his book, In the Shadows of the Net (2007), notes ten characteristics of problematic online sexual behavior:

1. Preoccupation with sex on the Internet
2. Frequently engaging in sex on the Internet more often or for longer periods of time than intended
3. Repeated unsuccessful efforts to control, cut back on, or stop engaging in sex on the Internet
4. Restlessness or irritability when attempting to limit or stop engaging in sex on the Internet
5. Using sex on the Internet as a way of escaping from problems or relieving feelings of helplessness, guilt, anxiety, or depression
6. Returning to sex on the Internet day after day in search of a more intense or higher-risk sexual experience
7. Lying to family members, therapists, or others to conceal involvement with sex on the internet
8. Committing illegal sexual acts online (for example, sending or downloading child pornography or soliciting illegal sex acts online)
9. Jeopardizing or losing a significant relationship, job, or educational or career opportunity because of online sexual behavior
10. Incurring significant financial consequences as a result of engaging in online sexual behavior

If you and/or someone you love are struggling with any of these signs, I recommend seeking the help of a competent mental health professional who is certified in the diagnosis and treatment of sexual addiction.  For more information, read Integrity Restored: Helping Catholic Families Win the Battle against Pornography available under the book tab on this website.

Tom was noticeably upset as he described his frustration with pornography use.  It seemed that every day at work he would end up going online and viewing pornography.  No matter what he tried, he always seemed to fall into the same pattern.  For Tom, the root causes of his internet porn use were boredom, isolation, and access to the internet.

As a sales rep for a large chemical company, Tom worked mainly from his home office.  He also traveled a lot.  While he enjoyed meeting new people, Tom was bored with his career.  He had been selling the same products for over five years.  While the money was good, he was tired of repeating the same sales speal over and over again.  In his company, there did not appear to be much room for advancement for Tom or the opportunity to sell other products.

Tom was also bored with his life.  It seemed there was no excitement in it; nothing to look forward to.  He loved his wife and kids, but it felt like he was on the same treadmill day after day.

Not only was Tom bored, he was isolated.  When he wasn’t on the road, he spent most of his days in a small home office making phone calls to current and potential clients.  Other than the people he spoke to over the phone, Tom had no social interaction all day long.  When he did talk to people, it was strictly business.  This left him feeling very lonely.  His home office started to feel like a prison cell.  As Tom looked out the window, he couldn’t help feeling that life was just passing him by.  When he traveled, Tom always ended up alone in a hotel room at the end of the day.  This was also very isolated and lonely.

It’s not hard to understand how his boredom and isolation could lead Tom to crave excitement in his life.  This is where Tom turned to the internet.  At first he would surf the web reading news and watching movies.  However, they too became boring.  This led him to internet pornography.  The shot of dopamine his brain received gave him a thrill which helped get him through his day.  However, Tom knew this only created more problems for him.  As he became addicted to it, Tom spent less time working and more time watching porn.  This affected his work performance.  It also affected his relationship with his wife and kids.  Instead of spending time with them, he chose to isolate himself with the internet.  Thus, what initially seemed like a solution to his boredom and isolation only created a bigger problem for Tom.

For Tom, the real solution was making changes in his career, and his life, to relieve the boredom and isolation.  He found a new job where he worked in an office every day with other people.  There was also more room for advancement in his new job.  While still in sales, he didn’t need to travel as much.  At home, he made an intentional effort to spend more time with his wife and kids, and less time with technology.  All of this eased his boredom and isolation and helped him to eliminate his pornography use.

If you are struggling with pornography use, consider how boredom and isolation might be driving you to the internet and pornography.  By making small, and big, changes to your life, you can dramatically reduce your boredom and isolation.  This can lead to a happier, more fulfilling life without porn.

Marty has a strong belief in God; however, he struggled to understand God’s unconditional love for him.  Marty’s struggle with pornography addiction left him feeling worthless and unlovable, especially in God’s eyes.  For Marty, a large part of recovery is understanding how God can be both just and merciful.

This is a struggle I find in many of the people I treat for pornography addiction.  Because they focus so much on their sins, they can only see God as someone who is thoroughly disappointed in them, and thus they must be unlovable.  The fact is that God’s justice and mercy are both based of His undying love for us.

As stated above, most addicted people have no problem understanding God’s justice.  They are well aware of the ten commandments and the beatitudes and how they break them daily.  They see how their addiction has hurt themselves and their loved ones.  They see the damage their addiction has caused.  They wonder how anyone could ever love them, especially God.  While they might understand God’s love for all intellectually, emotionally, they feel completely unlovable and abandoned by God.

While I’m no theologian, I have found the best way to help addicted people understand God’s justice and mercy is to understand where they intersect.  I call this place of intersection conviction.  At this place of conviction, God says “I love you immensely!  I created you to be in relationship with me for all eternity.  I understand your wounds and I want to heal you.”  This is God’s mercy.  At this place of conviction, God also says, “because I created you and love you so much, I expect you to love yourself and others as I love you.  I expect you to treat others with love and respect.  To help you I have provided my ten commandments and the beatitudes.”  Breaking them breaks our relationship with God.  This is God’s justice.

The first three commandments instruct us on how to treat God.  The remaining seven instruct us on how to treat others.  The beatitudes show us how to live virtuous lives.  By embracing God’s great love for us, and as a result, His expectations for how we should live our lives, it’s easy to live in this place of conviction.  We can then accept his love and justice as wonderful gifts.

As Marty came to understand conviction, it was easier for him to accept God’s love for him and understand how God wants him to live.  Knowing that conviction is life-giving, helped Marty understand how not living according to God’s justice (sin) separates us from Him, but never removes His love for us.  He is always ready to call us back to Him through the sacrament of reconciliation.  A good example of this is the women caught in adultery that Jesus saved from being stoned.  His final words to her were “Well, then, I do not condemn you either. Go, but do not sin again” (John 8:11).   Here Jesus extends to her His unconditional love (mercy), but also admonishes her avoid sin (justice).  She is able to walk away with a new direction in life.

With conviction, God gives us all we need to become the people He created us to be.  It challenges us to love God, ourselves, and others even when it’ not easy.  It also challenges us to accept the love of God and others even when it is not easy.  In time, I believe living in this place of conviction will make understanding the gift of God’s mercy and justice easier for people in recovery.  This in turn will make achieving long-term recovery easier and more effective.

For more information or help with recovery, contact Dr. Kleponis at pklepon91@aol.com.

While working on developing his recovery program, I asked Mike about his relationship with God.  He admitted he was frustrated with God.  He has prayed fervently that God would deliver him from his addiction.  Unfortunately he received little response.  He was still trapped in his pornography addiction.  I often meet people like Mike in my practice.  They have a deep faith in God; however, they feel abandoned by Him because they feel their prayers have gone unanswered.

The fact is that God never leaves a prayer unanswered.  While he answers all prayers, it may not be in the way you expect.  The main problem is that while people pray for a cure for their addiction, God offers healing.  To understand how God is involved in recovery one needs to understand the difference between a cure and a healing.

Cure vs. Healing

The end result of a cure and a healing is the same: restoration.  However, a cure is immediate and a healing takes time.  In scripture, we see many incidences where God cures.  Jesus cured the blind man, the cripple and the lepers.  He even brought Lazarus back from the dead.   You may ask “why can’t God cure me too!?”  God can certainly cure people and He does it every day.  However, I believe that with addictions He prefers to offer healing more than cures.

So why does He prefer to heal rather than cure.  The answer is a deeper relationship and transformation.  God could certainly cure you, but what would that do for your relationship with him?  Probably not much.  You might say “Thanks God.  I appreciate it.  I’ll come back when I need you.”  With a healing, God uses our afflictions to draw us close to him.  He says, “Come, let’s walk for a while.  Let’s talk for a while.  Let’s get to know one another.”  In addition to finding freedom from addiction, the goal here is to develop a deeper, more intimate relationships with God.  From this can come real transformation – a whole new life.

Saint Paul recognized the value of healing over cures in his life.  In 2 Corinthians 12:7-10 we read:

7 … Therefore, to keep me from being too elated, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to torment me, to keep me from being too elated.  8 Three times I appealed to the Lord about this, that it would leave me, 9 but he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness.” So, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. 10 Therefore I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities for the sake of Christ; for whenever I am weak, then I am strong.

Scripture doesn’t tell us what the “thorn” was; however, it was a weakness that kept Paul humble and close to Christ.  I believe God also uses recovery from addiction to keep people humble and close to him.  Here “grace” is synonymous with “healing.”  This is where Paul experience transformation.  This is God’s plan for recovery.

Drawing Closer to God

So in the recovery process, know that God is present and working to help you overcome your addiction.  However, he is also going to use it to draw you closer to him.  He wants to develop a deep and intimate relationship with you.  This is where he can truly transform you into a whole new creation.  When you have achieved long-term sobriety and the wounds that lead you into addiction have been healed, you won’t be tempted to say “Thanks God.  I appreciate it.  I’ll come back when I need you.”  Instead you’ll say “Let’s keep walking Lord.  Let’s keep talking.  I want to continue to grow in my relationship with you!  I want to continue the transformation you’ve begun in me!”

For some people this healing process takes a few months.  For others it can take years.  Don’t be discouraged if your healing takes a long time.  While you may continue to struggle, each day is an opportunity to draw closer to the Lord and to deepen your relationship with him.  This is your transformation process.

Transformation

When Mike understood how God was healing him rather than curing him, he was able to see God working in his life more clearly.  He realized that God did not abandon him.  On the contrary, God was drawing Mike closer to him.  With the help of a good spiritual director, Mike learned to trust God more.  Through daily prayer and working the 12-steps he came to understand the transformation God had in store for him.  This helped Mike succeed in recovery and become the man God created him to be.

Betrayal Trauma

Discovering one’s husband is a porn addict is extremely painful.  For many wives, this deep pain is actually the result of a deep emotional traumatic wound.  We call this Betrayal Trauma.  Trauma is typically defined as an occurrence wherein an individual sees or experiences a risk to their own life or physical safety or that of other people and feels terror, fear, or helplessness.  The occurrence might additionally cause confusion, dissociation, and a loss of a feelingof security. Traumatic occurrences test a person’s observationof the world as a secure, just, and predictable place.

It is easy to see how this kind of infidelity can be traumatizing to a wife.  The safe and secure life she once had is now gone, and her world is turned upside down. The man she thought she knew thoroughly is now a complete stranger. The marital vows she though he had upheld since their wedding day were actually broken on many occasions.  The sacred gift of sexuality she thought they only shared with one another has been desecrated.

Barbara Steffans and Marsha Means (2009) list four general symptoms of trauma related to sexual addiction.  Note that there is much overlap among the symptoms:

1. Avoidance:here the traumatized wife will avoid activities or other reminders of the traumatic event.  Some wives may choose to look at porn with their husbands to avoid conflict and hoping that he will turn to her for sex. Others will avoid sex altogether. Still others will numb their feelings or deny the situation.  They will detach from their husbands emotionally.
2. Re-experiencing: Recurrent and intrusive thoughts and memories of the traumatic event that cannot be controlled.  A wife may be plagued with constant thoughts about what her husband has done.  These thoughts can consume a person’s energy and intensifies the anxiety.
3. Avoidance and Arousal: a wife may ignore her “intuition” or new evidence that her husband is acting out again.  On the other hand, she may become hyper vigilant in trying to control her environment.  She may try to control when her husband uses the computer, how long and what websites can be accessed.
4. Arousal: this is intense emotional pain. This can include feelings of depression, anxiety, fear, and shame.  Some women have panic attacks and/or uncontrollable crying. She may wonder what she did wrong to cause her partner to turn to pornography.  The shame and embarrassment may keep her from telling others about her situation.  She might try to control every aspect of her husband’s life to prevent being hurt again.

When a wife is traumatized by her husband’s pornography addiction, her response is not limited to just one of these reactions.  Often she responds using a combination of the four.  This was Heather’s experience.  Because of her pain and disgust toward her husband, Joe, she avoided all sexual activity with him (Avoidance).  She was plagued by recurrent thoughts of how she had been betrayed by him (Re-experiencing).  To feels safe, she tried to completely control his use of the Internet, where he went and with whom he spent time (Avoidance and Arousal).  She cycled through many painful emotions (Arousal).

The Cycle of Emotions

One of the scariest experiences of dealing with betrayal trauma is the strong emotions that wives can cycle through.  One moment they may feel a deep sadness and the next moment an incredible rage.  They may have uncontrollable bouts of crying.  At times they might even feel love and compassion for their husbands.  Common emotions a wife might experience include:

While it may feel maddening to be cycling through such emotions, it is perfectly normal.  This is part of the trauma wives experience.  As a wife recovers from the shock and pain of the betrayal, these emotions decrease in their intensity and be more manageable.  Still, husbands must understand how terrible this experience is for their wives and take full responsibility for it.

For many wives, these emotions can severely affect their ability to function in daily life.  When this occurs professional help is needed.  Seeing a family doctor or psychiatrist can help.  They can prescribe medications to help

Heather experienced many emotions as a result of this hurt and betrayal. The strongest were anger, hopelessness and depression.  Just thinking about how Joe had hurt her could send her into a fit or rage or uncontrollable sobbing.  When their children were around, Heather tried to put on a smile and act as if nothing was wrong.  But her teenager kids knew there was a problem.  She tried to think rationally about her situation and view Joe’s pornography addiction as a disease in need of treatment.  However, the pain of her broken heart more often overshadowed this. The fact that there was no one to talk to about her emotions made it worse.  She felt as if she were doomed to suffer in silence.

Joe, while very sad and remorseful for hurting Heather, was at a loss for how to deal with all the emotions Heather was experiencing.  When she was sad he would try to give her a hug, but that triggered anger for her and she did not want to be touched. Whenever Heather would appear somewhat compassionate and forgiving, Joe would think they were making progress in healing their marriage.  Unfortunately, a few moments later her anger or sadness would return.  Both Heather and Joe felt trapped.  They wondered if they would ever recover and restore their marriage.

The intensity of the emotions can vary among women.  Some emotions are felt intensely while others are felt mildly.  Regardless of their intensity, many wives report they wished they could get off the emotional rollercoaster and have a few moments where they simply didn’t have to think about their pain.

While the pain of betrayal trauma is very real, the good news is this experience won’t last forever.  However, one cannot recovery from this alone.  With professional help, and the support of other women and couples who understand this struggle, a wife can find relief and peace.  Through an effective recovery program for both the addicted husband and his wounded wife, both can experience healing and restoration.